Red Sox Ink OF Carl Crawford, Record Amount of Sweat Recorded in Greater Manhattan Region

Posted: December 9, 2010 in Major League Baseball
Tags: , , , , , , ,

By Phil Bausk

It’s almost like watching a really awful horror movie. You are watching this poor 18 year old girl, aimlessly wandering around either an abandoned hotel or a decrepit amusement park. She knows she has absolutely no reason to be there, but yet finds herself walking deeper and deeper into the darkness. You know she’s screwed, the rest of the audience knows she’s screwed, but she still has hope that shes is going to find her douchey boyfriend, who has already been brutally murdered by the villain, and get out without a scratch on her pretty little self. She turns around and BAM! That’s the end of her character’s stint on screen, and most likely, her career as an actress.

It was reported late last night that the Boston Red Sox had agreed to a deal with All World OF Carl Crawford on a 7 year, $142 million contract, stealing him away at the last second from the LA Angels of Anaheim. Crawford gives the Red Sox a lineup that one usually sees in video games, fantasy baseball lineups, or a classic Simpson’s episode.

I know it’s only December, and there is a lot more players to be signed or traded for, but at this point, the New York Yankees have to be worried. They are the aforementioned teenager, who looks oh so good prancing around the movie screen for 2 hours, acting like the pompous homecoming queen, completely oblivious of her inevitable fate. The Red Sox signing of Crawford could be that fateful machete swing that decapitates the Yankees, and elevates the Sawx as the best team in the American League East.

I work in Manhattan every day and I do the same commute every morning. Every man in their late 20’s or early to mid 30’s was talking about this signing. Specifically, a man on the M15 bus was talking to his colleague about what this signing meant to Yankee fans. His voice was soft, as if he was worried that speaking louder may lead to him breaking down emotionally on the bus at 8:30 in the morning. He had a faint look in his eyes, almost like he was a little lost, wondering if the worst was over, or if there was going to be more bad news to make his life a little more stressful.

I have been there before. I was there 2 years ago when the Yankees signed the trio of CC Sabathia (Who I saw at the Knicks game last night. He really as put on some weight since the end of the regular season. I think I may scout out all of the Casual Male XL stores in Manhattan to find him and throw Twinkies at him so he can come into Spring Training a lean 345 lbs.), Mark Teixeira, and AJ Burnett. I complained, I bickered with Yankee fans, and I even believed the 2009 season was over before it had even started. There was little the Red Sox could do to counter punch the Yanks in this one-sided bout.

This year there is a difference. The difference is a 32 year old south paw by the name of Clifford Phifer Lee, who is the Jade Monkey of this year’s Free Agent class. He is one of the top 3 pitchers in baseball, and is expected to cash in on his recent years of success with a massive contract. When I hear the words massive contract, I only think of one team, the New York Yankees (I am sorry but even after the Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez extensions the Yankees payroll will be $40 mil bigger than the Red Sox payroll).

If the Yankees do not sign Mr. Phifer, this off-season will have been a major disappointment. Lee is the small revolver the 18 year old drama queen finds on those rare occasions to shoot the crazed murderer. He is the police arriving at the exact moment before the killer is able to deliver his final blow. Lee is the douchey boyfriend whose pulse the killer forgets to check, as he stabs the murderer in the back, ultimately saving the day, and getting the girl a contract for a second movie. The Yankees front office has to do whatever it takes to bring Lee on board, otherwise the fans will feel neglected, and it will appear as though the Jeter Saga was the main focus of the off-season, when the acquisition of Lee should have been the focal point.

This arms race in the AL East is getting out of control. “The bar,” one American League GM said early Thursday morning, “keeps getting raised. Crazy.” Year after year, the Yankees and the Red Sox keep going back and forth, signing up every Free Agent under the sun. It’s like the a 3rd World War, as New York and Boston are the super powers going back and forth, while teams such as Tampa Bay are the small, sovereign states who take most of the abuse and have the most ruins to clean up afterward. At some point it is going to get out of hand and Major League Baseball is going to have to regulate it somehow.

Until then, I get to enjoy the Red Sox spending spree for now, watching a team prepare itself for the 2011 season with nothing less  than a championship on its mind. Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein knows what he is doing, and has garnered the trust of the members of Red Sox Nation. He is our Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who we will follow into battle against the likes of Yankees GM Brian Cashman, who plays the role of  either Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Benito Mussolini, or Emperor Hirohito (You can choose depending on how much you despise him).

But for right now, the Red Sox are making the Yankees and their fans sweat buckets out there on the streets of New York. Will Cashman come through and sign Cliff Lee, saving the Yankees from their masked murderer? Or will another team swoop in and sign Lee, leaving the Yankees to meet their demise. One things for sure, either the Yankees will be starring in the sequel with another World Series ring, or looking for work as a waitress at The Cheesecake Factory.

  1. Chris Maza says:

    Crawford is great, but the Red Sox still have a lot of work to do.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s