By Phil Bausk

We live in a world where every fan on the planet is trying to get a hold of an athlete or a celebrity. We want to know what they like to eat, where they go to hang out, and if they wear protection (In Antonio Cromartie’s case, we already know). We have this fascination and desire to become buddies with these athletes who want nothing to do with us and our every day problems. This doesn’t stop us from going to ballgames early, looking like fools as we scream athlete’s names, just so that they regard us as a human being.

How do you think Vlade Divac would respond if you asked him what you should do about paying your rent late? Do you think David Terrell ever cared about your mortgage payments? What are the odds Matt Morris can tell you if you are ready to have a child? These people do not care about our personal lives and therefore, we should not have the same interest in theirs, unless something crazy happens like Glen Davis being called “Big Baby” because he gives birth during the next Celtics game.

So I am not a doctor, unless you can get a PHD in covering food in oil, and I know that the relationship between fans and celebrities is a bit strange. But what if we turned the tables and athletes and celebs cared about us? What if they wanted to hear our advice on what they should do with their careers? Well I offer you a mailbag, written by athletes, celebrities, historical figures, and others, asking me for my opinion on their pressing life issues, trying to reconnect with those who make it all possible, us! (Remember, these aren’t real)

“To the city of Cleveland: I am not sorry, nor will I ever be sorry for what I did to you. If you are waiting for me to apologize, stop waiting. I say what I want, and then I get to take it back days later. Being me is greater than any NBA title, and in my own world, that makes me better than MJ. Get rid of Minnesota and New Jersey, and I look forward to watching people exile Cleveland, as it crumbles to the ground.”

L. James, Miami, FL

A: Well, that was about as harsh as they come. The Akron Scammer has shown why he left Cleveland for Miami, helping the scorching hot Heat embarrass the Lakers on Christmas day. Now I am still very upset with the Scammer, and believe he shouldn’t be forgiven for what he has done. But if Lebron James came out with a statement like this, how much flack could he take for it? The guy has already said race was an issue in his free agent backlash, and that contraction would be good for the NBA. Yet, he just takes it back and gets away with it. Not many athletes could do that these days, and at some point, they would be blackballed from the press, and eventually beaten down to the point where they didn’t care to talk to the media anymore. While Lebron was on that path, he has not hidden from the media, but rather embraces his post game interviews and all of the drama that has been steered towards him. I will give him credit for that, but at the same time, there is still so much time left to this Akron Scammer debacle that it’s too early to tell how his career is going to pan out. Either way, can you imagine opening up ESPN.com and seeing the headline, “Lebron James: Being me is greater than any NBA title…” I think that would keep you busy at work for a day.

Q: “I just woke up from a 2 month long nap… Who is this new guy Crawford on the Red Sox? And why are there 40 pink slips in my mailbox? Eh, I’m going back to sleep.”

B. Cashman, New York City, NY

A: Fine fine, he wasn’t fired or anything close to it, but Brian Cashman needs to explain his absence from the winter meetings this offseason. With the Red Sox upgrading their entire roster, the Phillies creating a delicious 4 way, and the Pirates cutting the salaries of their ball boys, the Yanks were one of the few major teams not to make any sort of significant move. Missing out on Cliff Lee was huge, as they were unable to follow through with any backup plans that they may have had. Andy Pettitte is believed to be retiring, while David Cone has been sleeping outside Joe Girardi’s office, still waiting to get called back into professional duty. The Yankees rotation is as thin as Antoine Walker’s checkbook and their payroll is still as big as Antoine Walker’s rear-end. Would signing Antoine Walker fix this problem? I don’t know, like I said, I am not a doctor. Now go back to bed, and when you get back in, try not to wake up Sandy Alderson either.

Q: “C’mon man, I helped you get through your childhood and that’s how you’re gonna repay me? By the way, can I borrow $20 and some Yodels?”

Antoine Walker, Idaho

A: Yes Antoine you did get me through some hard times as a kid. Your shimmy dance made me a legend on the basketball court. Here’s a 10 spot and go eat some fruit.

Q: Can you pleaseeee stop sending me photos of yourself? It’s not gonna happen and you need to start waxing.

N. Rivera (Santana from Glee) LA, CA

A: I will never stop sending you my weekly photos. You will come around eventually, but until then, the photos will be there every Monday.

Q: “Why do I look so much like that Werewolf from Twilight? And am I going to lead a team to the playoffs as a rookie with a LOSING record?

S. Bradford, St. Louis, MO

A: Yes, it appears as though the Rams are one win away from making the playoffs. Then again, you can say the same for the Seattle Seahawks, as the two teams play this Sunday for the NFC West division crown. The NFL has to do something to prevent this from happening in the future. Teams like the NY Giants, the Green Bay Packers, and the Tampa Bay Bucs are all going to finish with better records than whoever wins that division, but two of them are going to miss the playoffs. Whether its realignment of the divisions or a different proposal, this can not be allowed to happen again next year, when the 49ers take the division at 7-9. Oh, and as for the Twilight thing, go with it, I would imagine that Taylor Lautner kid does pretty well for himself.

Q: “I wish my wife didn’t drag me to that stupid play. Why did I listen to her?”

Abe Lincoln, Washington D.C.

A: Because you’re a man and a husband and you didn’t have a choice. It was fate Abe, fate.

Part II Coming Shortly!

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