By Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez

For the first ever installment of the weekly Mustache Awards… Phil, please put your pants back on,. I said mustache awards, not mustache rides… I feel that no introduction is needed. My nom de plum is Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez and I will use this name from here on out as a way of masking myself from this close-friend orgy of self-proclaimed sports writers. I may be the first to admit that sports are not something that sculpted my childhood. I do not remember talking about games with my brothers or throwing the football with my dad. I grew up in a home with an uncoordinated father, three flamboyant sisters, and a compassionate mother. I am very happy to say that I was able to somehow find sports. I do remember seeing some of the greats thanks to my father taking me to games; however, he would bitch that he hates sports the whole drive home.

I discovered sports on my own. First came the pre-90’s lockout NHL (hockey has never been the same), then the NBA years when loyalty meant something,  and then the NFL, which is my personal favorite. I am slowly trying to catch up on MLB, but that is a boring, uphill battle through over 100 years of statistics. As a perceptive reader, you may be asking yourself, “If all other sports aside baseball found their way into the Jets’ heart, why choose an iconic BASEBALL figure from the popular Hollywood film “The Sandlot” as his alias?”

Here is the list of reasons, not in any specific order:

1) Baseball is a sport that all Americans should love! and i almost feel sad that i don’t have a passion for our nation’s greatest past time.

2) I love his Mexican Mustache!

3) The re-imagination of the  movie as “The Sandy Slot”. At the end, instead of the epic chase scene that we all remember, Benny pickling the beast became Benny and Smalls (who did not live down to his name) running train on James Earl Jones (the Beast was in J.E.J.’s trousers).

But enough of me for one week. Here is what you will be getting from me… A few short facts about my life, and more importantly, I will be handing out awards to the astonishing, annoying, incredible, frustrating, miserable, shocking, and everything in between that occurs in the sports related world.

Enough banter, here is this installment of The Moustache Awards:

The “Genius” Award- Andy Reid

In a press conference on April 1st, 2010, Andy Reid stated that Donovan McNabb would remain the starting quarterback in Philadelphia for the 2010 season. We know that was not the case. As quickly as April 4th, the Eagles traded McNabb to the Washington Redskins in return for a second-round pick  (Nate Allen) in the 2010 NFL Draft and a
conditional third- or fourth-round pick in the 2011 NFL Draft.

When I first saw that McNabb, AKA Mr. Philly (outside of A.I. when he still had cornrows and the fictional, retarded boxer Rocky) was traded, neigh, traded to a division rival, I had to ask what the hell Andy Reid was thinking. The start of the season for the eagles supported my gasping questions. Before I had the time to realize that Andy Reid was not only a strong branch that stems from the tree of NFL coaching life known as the Great Walsh Tree, or that Andy was also the quarterbacks coach under Mike Holmgren in Green Bay, The Redskins started to crumble and Reid started to look like a wizard.

After finishing 6-10, the noise around McNabb getting benched for Rex Grossman made it seem like they finished 1-15. It looks as though Mcnabb is one and done in our nations capital. Andy Reid gets to sport two beautiful, bushy upper lips with one of this week’s mustache awards!

The “Hideous” award- Al Davis

This basically isn’t sports related at all, but i do need to warn you: If you are eating or have a child in the room please do not click on this link. I found this floating around… I honestly did not even read this article because i could not get passed his photo. Al Davis looks like a child molesting, creepy old man … Or Michael Jackson in his thriller makeup. He looks like he slammed his head for every first round draft bust this decade. Here’s the real story, Al gave the herpes to Tom Cable, who then threw a right cross and busted open Al Davis’ head. Maybe that’s why Al sent Tom home without even enough courtesy for a reach-around. I’m ending this one short because I need to vomit. Hopefully this year with his 1st pick, he’ll take another Kicker and slam his head one more time so I can eat my dinner without the fear of vomiting. Al Davis gets the gross Mustache award!

The “Shit the Bed” Award- The Cleveland Cavaliers Front Office

It is no surprise to anyone that the Cleveland Cavaliers are a worse team now than they were at this time last year. With an 8-37 record, there are plenty of places to point fingers other than towards the beach (South Beach, not the shores of Lake Erie). For me, it is simple; no matter how good a single player is, the upper management still need to be able to have a plan. The way the season is going, it seems as if the front office is treating the season like a bad storm. Since that disloyal tool deserted his brothers, it seems the biggest transaction the Cavs were involved in was them exercising the fourth-year option on J.J. Hickson. I know it must be hard for an organization to recover after losing a player like Lebron, but wait… The year after Michael Jordan decided to strap on cleats, the Chicago Bulls went 55-27. I know this is not a bench mark for how a team must play, but at the professional level, a team with the best record in the NBA (2010 Cavs) should be able to lose their best player and still compete. Please do not tell me that losing a giant Lithuanian also hurt them. I put all of this failure on the Cavs front office. I also think Dan Gilbert handled the loss of Lebron like a pissed off 16 year-old girl, who discovered her boyfriend cheating. Maybe when the season finally ends, Dan will roll out of bed and cleaned all of that shit up. This Mustache is for you Cleveland Cav’s front office!

  1. joe momma says:

    This season just shows how good lebron was for past few years and how bad the team around him truly was. thank you cleveland !!!!

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