Archive for the ‘Introduction’ Category

Batman’s True Message?

Posted: July 30, 2012 in Introduction



By Phillip Bausk


Athletes make too much money. We all know this. We all talk about this. And while it may bother us to a certain extent, we have come to terms with statements like, “it’s okay that Keith Van Horn will be worth more money than I will ever smell.” Well fine, I am not really okay with that particular fact, but maybe something more along the lines of, “JD Drew can pay me to sleep with a live animal and he would still have enough money to make me do it again.” Either way you get the point. A lot of overrated athletes have gotten huge contracts and this is something that we will never be able to avoid, unless we get rid of white athletes in general. Sure you have Jerome James and other African American athletes who make too much money, but let’s face it; we kind of owe them…

Moving on, I just saw the third Batman movie this weekend and really enjoyed it. It had action, some witty quips from even the stolid Christian Bale, and of course Anne Hathaway in a body suit. All of these things considered, there was once scene that did bother me. The football stadium scene made me think of a few things that I just need to try and explain to myself here. First of all, why was Hines Ward returning a kickoff? I understand they wanted a familiar name, but that fact that he is the recognizable name, while he would mainly only be recognized by football fans, just makes me head explode because us football fans know that Antonio Brown returns kicks, and even back in the day it was the infamous Antwaan Randle El.  Yes, this is useless, but at the same time I get paid whatever my salary is to pay attention to detail on a ridiculous email to hundreds of attorneys, but making something that is going to be seen by roughly 50 million people, you’re allowed to just pick a famous name. Why not have Ben Roethlisberger return the kick? I am sure people will recognize him from his Judge Joe Brown appearances…

I keep getting away from why I am writing this article. My main issue is what kind of professional athlete wants to go play in the city of Gotham. There are so many reasons why an athlete wouldn’t want to play there, let alone live in such a virile city. If you were getting offered a 4-year, $12 million contract from let’s say the Chicago Bears, and then Gotham comes at you with that same deal, but a 5th year player option for an addition $4.2 million, is that enough to really want to play in the most dangerous city in this alternate world that has been created? Odds are you won’t retire, because frankly, you’ll be paying off your insurance premiums forever!! The city is in constant fear, and even if you signed during that “8 years of peace” that is discussed, you would probably still be walking on egg shells.

We can go to the comics and see that Gotham is consistently under attack from crazy terrorists, such as The Joker, who by the way, never stays locked up for long so you know you can bump into him on public transit. Others include Bane, Poison Ivy, Ra’s al Ghul, the Riddler, Two-face, frankly the list is so long, I am surprised the city is still around at this point. Do you think it’s in a duty-free state? I would imagine the police officers there have huge salaries based on the fact they can get murdered in any way possible on any day possible, so the taxes for the city must be through the roof.

Side note here, being a police officer in Gotham, could be the worst job of all-time. I am sure you don’t get paid that much, you are always dumber than the common person based on the decisions you make in both the movies and the comics. You are usually led by an even dumber individual who constantly puts your life in jeopardy when something drastic occurs. You are always among the first to be killed in some sadistic way that I wouldn’t even wish upon my worst enemies and your weaponry is always out of date compared to some of your opponents. And can you imagine the paperwork if you do survive?!?!?!?!?

Anyway, is that player option really worth having to tread lightly everywhere you go in the city? Clearly your home games aren’t safe, so 8 times a year, not counting preseason and potential home playoff games, you can be buried alive under thousands of tons of the earth’s surface. When you go to and from practice, some type of gas can leak into your 2011 Range Rover and knock you out. The gas will also affect you in your 5600 square foot loft, so you aren’t safe there either. Family and friends that you fly in for games will be under the threat of their plane being hijacked, or their cab being torn to pieces by some explosives. You are putting yourself and everyone you know and love in harm’s way just so you can decide if you want to test the free agent market or not in 2017.

I understand why Pedro Martinez and Johnny Damon left Boston, but I can’t imagine why anyone would leave a city to go play for Gotham, except for maybe Dirk Nowitzki, he could be in on the next hostage situation. I think this is what Christopher Nolan was going for the entire time. He wasn’t worried about finishing a trilogy, or portraying a deep, social satire or meaning about how to live our lives. I think he was just making his point of how selfish athletes can be and wanted to show that they should be loyal to their hometowns and not leave their teams just for that fancy player option…      


One of These Days Alice…

Posted: July 26, 2012 in Introduction



By Phillip Bausk

Everyone has their own boiling points. Some people get mad immediately, seeing red whenever something happens that doesn’t sit right with them, whether it is inconsequential like being cutoff walking on the street, or life altering, such as not being chosen for that promotion they have been working on for years. Others are able to things in stride, but eventually, reach a point of frustration that may cause them to abuse others, either with obvious words or actions, or through the classic passive-aggressive standard of having seething meanings behind innocuous comments. Frustration, as much as some of us would hate to admit it, is part of our everyday life, even more than perhaps our closest friends and lovers would care to be.

While I can go into a diatribe about how mind-bending a simple subway ride can be, I don’t care to bore you with my insights on the matter (though I am sure some of you would be oddly interested in that). Nor am I here to discuss the frustration I saw in a friend’s face dealing with issues taking the Bar exam, knowing that he still had a full day left of what most people may deem as “pure hell.”

While normally being a safe haven of built up sexual tension, sports have recently become a source of frustration, resulting in three different episodes of me screaming at toddlers (not true….maybe). In the past 30 days or so, even without any Tony Romo 4th quarter losses, or any Akron Scammer interviews/celebrations/stupid t-shirt slogans, I find myself becoming easily riled up when reading or discussing certain sports topics. The reasoning is something I am incredibly unsure of. Perhaps I am going through early menopause, or maybe the bouts of boredom at work are causing me to go slightly insane, either way, I am due for screaming at toddler number 4 on the train ride home from work.

Let’s start with the first sport that is ravaging my hairline, baseball. My Boston Red Sox can’t seem to get their poop together and we are roughly 100 games into the season. While there have been a ton of injuries, it seems that no one on the team wants to be there, and I feel a lot of that has to do with Bobby Valentine. Some may like the way he manages both clubhouses and games, but I do not think this team ever wanted a guy like Bobby V in there. Were there some issues last year in the clubhouse? Yes. Did something have to change? Yes. However, there are other managers different from Bobby V and from Terry Francona, and based on the results so far this season, it seems that Sox ownership took a bit of a detour away from their 3rd World Series ring. This team is more than capable of what they are doing right now and while they aren’t out of it yet, something has to change quickly, otherwise an early fall vacation is in store and all of New England will go back to focusing on Rob Gronkowski’s dub step hobbies.

Pedroia isn’t hitting, Ortiz goes on the DL at an awful time. Lester looks like a joke every time he goes to the mound. His curveball is flat, he can’t locate any of his 4 fastballs, and his body language is screaming that he wants to get out of Boston and start banging chicks outside of Dodgers Stadium….just not with Magic Johnson. Beckett has been decent lately, and Buchholz and Doubront seem to be the only guys who give a damn when they get on the mound. Even Vincente Padilla would be a better starting option than Jon Lester, and we can actually think about doing that is Lester gets moved for 2 mid-level prospects, though I see Lester staying and hopefully turning it around faster than a Charlie Sheen commercial can ruin someone’s evening of primetime television.

Then we get to fantasy baseball. Sure, it may not be real, but it’s very real to me. I have been saddled with 3 mediocre teams that seem to be slowly deteriorating. So what do you do when you think your team has leveled out? You make trades, roster additions etc…And while it seems that I am getting the better end of 90% of the trades I have made, all 3 of my teams are still hanging out on the 5th floor, scratching themselves and waiting for the top floors to crash on top of them and pancake them 2-3 floors outside of the playoffs. Basically, the only question is I have is why couldn’t I have Mike Trout in all 3 of my leagues? When it comes down to it, there are still 40-60 games left, depending on the league, and maybe by the season’s end, my latest addition of Ben Sheets will be comeback player of the year, or shipped to Iraq for medical testing and disposal.

Finally, the last sports related topic, or man I should say, that has been eating at me for weeks is Stephen A. Smith. I do not understand how a man like him has a job, and no that is not a racist joke, but seems to have been the perfect spot for one. His articles are terribly written, and convey arguments that are distorted from the original point he is trying to make. On television, he gains parody because he is a caricature of himself, and of a real person. He is a walking stereotype, which allowed him to be on SNL because frankly, I am sure you can go through SNL history and find that same character with other names. He is very strong opinioned, and doesn’t ever waver on his argument, which is one thing I do like about him, it is just how he gets to those opinions and his tactics in defending them. He repeatedly argues his way away from the question or point he was being interrogated about, often leading to a ridiculous conversation. I really hope it is not for ratings. If ESPN needs ratings, let Erin Andrews talk about anything she wants in a two-piece, hula hooping on the beaches of Bristol. Quite Frankly (get it?!?!) it is time for ESPN to move on and let Steven A. talk his way out of why he doesn’t have tip the cab driver who takes him from Bristol to Crackton.


Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the blog that takes an in-depth look at the world of sports. From Ben Roethlisberger’s latest plus sized sexual victim to Brett Favre’s less than Hall of Fame sized wang, we cover everything sports fans will want to read and talk about. To whom do we dedicate these tablets of sports expertise to than? Who is fit for such an honor? Look no further then the most undervalued (and undersized) man in sports, Mr. Lawrence Frank. He gives short, Jewish people everywhere hope that they can make it in the big leagues (sports of course, Hollywood is another story). Come read Lawrence’s Secret Diary but please, don’t make too much noise…