Archive for the ‘Mailbag’ Category

By Phil Bausk

I looked outside my window this morning from my penthouse in the East Village (Alright ,its a 3 bedroom flex apartment with a kitchen that John Goodman could get stuck in), and I noticed more lovely snow on the ground. Over the last month or so, the city of New York has been pounded with heavy, white snow. Subways have been stopped, buses are virtually non existent, and fat people, including myself, have been racking up the points.

There are a few great things about the snowfall. Firstly, all the attractive women who have to cover up now on a daily basis seem to have more of a reason to show more skin at the gym. It makes for a much more interesting lunch break, and gives me something to look at while I am eating a Subway sandwich on the exercise bike. Secondly, with the commute to work being such a pain, I have had days in my office where I am alone without any supervision. This has led to some outlandish Gchat and Facebook conversations, which have no business being discussed by anyone. In addition, there has been the welcoming of hot chocolate to the company’s coffee machines. While it’s not going to wake me up, it gives me a small reminder about why I love winter in New York.

Finally, as I looked out my window, a growing concern came across my mind. Was I ever going to get my mail from random athletes across the country?!?!?!? I know the Post Office prides itself on delivering the mail in any sort of weather conditions, but I was worried that the vast amounts of snow that had been falling was going to deter my mail carrier from making her way to my lobby.

Well, it took over a month but I finally got my second batch of random letters from athletes. Whether they are staying at the W hotel or the Holiday Inn express, athletes need to ask a random schlub like myself about how to handle their personal and professional lives because as many of us can see from today’s media, they still love to show off their either comically large, or frighteningly small wangs.

Q: “Have I not made it painfully obvious that i NEVER want to play in New Jersey? Trade after trade falls through, I keep hinting how playing at home in NYC is the dream, and my friends, Brooklyn is not Manhattan. Is there something wrong with me? Or should I just suck it up, accept the trade, and waste 6 months of my life?”

C. Anthony Denver, CO

A: Mr. Anthony, I really am not sure what to tell you. The best advice I can give you is that whatever you decide to do, whether it be play out your contract in Denver, or bully a trade to New York, just do it with class. We all saw the backlash that occurred with The Akron Scammer, and you don’t want to follow in his selfish footsteps.

What I would tell you to do is play out your contract and be graceful in your departure from the Nuggets. Play hard every night and try and get that team back to the playoffs. While a first round exit is more than likely, if you go out fighting, the fans will not resent you and in less than a year, you will ultimately get your wish. While talks of a CBA agreement could hurt the amount of money you could get in a contract with the Knicks, your star will shine greater in the bright lights of NYC and you will make that money back faster through advertisements and appearances. This would also start a great rivalry in the east with the Heat and the Knicks, a rivalry the NBA could use. I am sure David Stern has already put this in motion by telling Mikhail Prokhorov to get the hell away from the Nuggets front office or he’ll divulge some interesting information to the Russian CIA.

Q: “Where should I play? I’m a winner, I have the tools to succeed in this league, and I have the weirdest shaped head of any player in the league. Someone should want to pick me up right? Just because I alienated one of the best coaches in football and gave up on a group of 52 guys doesn’t mean I should be penalized right?

V. Young Anywhere but Tennessee

A:It is athletes like Vince Young that piss me off, even more so than guys like the Akron Scammer and company. Vince has a decent amount of talent, as he was blessed with the ability to run, throw, and shove guys in a nightclub, yet he takes it for granted by being an immature and selfish “man,” who tries to bully others into giving into his ways. While his college coach Mack Brown will tell you he was the perfect teammate, I am sure a lot went down on the Austin campus that we do not know about.

Many athletes are able to go out and have nights of debauchery without us hearing much about it. They can also get into spats with their coaching staff and work through it, with us forgetting about it until the next guy does the same thing. VY is on strike 2 as I am concerned and if he isn’t careful, he could end up going the ways of the Akili Smiths and the JaMarcus Russells of the world. The one thing VY has going for him is his ability. While he may not put up the greatest numbers, he finds ways to win games. Vince, just do what your coaches ask you, and if you have a problem with him, don’t go crying to the owner (Who clearly has problems of his own), but use your big paycheck and see a therapist, it’s alright, most of the country does it anyhow.

Q: Dude, after we beat the Jets on Sunday, I am so excited to to down to Dallas and check out the college chicks out there. I already have my 2 Super Bowl rings, I still haven’t gotten my Texas tail. I already asked Mike Wallace to be my wing-man, but he says I’m too pushy.

B. Roethlisberger Pittsburgh, PA

A: Way to go man! One more sexual harassment accusation and you’ll become the only QB with 2 Super Bowl rings or more that won’t be invited to any Post-game parties (Except for maybe Jay Cutler, he just looks like a douche). Firstly, beat the Jets and secondly, No means No.

Q: What should I buy first after signing my new contract? A new car, a house for my momma, or Brian Cashman’s love?

R. Soriano,  Scarsdale, NY I am sure

A: In order to succeed in NY, all you have to do is have a 4 ERA, set up the game for Rivera, and not accidentally cross swords with Jeter, though I’m sure ARod would just say it “slipped.” Do those things, and Brian Cashman will only lose 40 percent of his hair.

Q: I think I finally get why David Stern made players go to college for at least one year. But hey, I’m still making more than Blake Griffin and Kevin Love.

M. Webster, Minneapolis, MN

A: You make more money than they do for now Martell…. And yes, you are right, players like you should’ve gone to college for at least a year. It is obvious to see how both the NCAA and the NBA have benefited from this rule change. So many players from Webster’s era jumped to the NBA to make a quick dollar, when they could’ve refined their games and becomes players with a longer shelf life. If not for the dumb GM’s (KAHHHHNN!!) of the world giving players like Webster and Travis Outlaw big contracts, these guys would be regretting their decisions every day. There is a whole list of guys like Darius Miles,  Kwame Brown, and others who jumped too quickly to the NBA.

The college game today is now more popular than its ever been, with twice as much TV time as it had during the early 2000s. Players like Jared Sullinger are polishing their  games so that they can contribute right away once they are drafted, which will hopefully lead to longer and more productive careers. It also allows  them to play on a better platform to help introduce themselves to the public. Not every high school star is going to be publicized like the Akron Scammer was, and the college game is the perfect place for them to showcase their talent. Assuming things stay the way they are, I can’t see Mr. Webster and Mr. Outlaw getting nice contracts after their current ones run out. Odds are they will be replaced by similar players, who had the benefit of attending college for at least one year.

Q: Can you void retirement papers?

B. Favre, Set of Wrangler Commercial

A: I am not sure, but I don’t put it past you to figure out a way how.

Q: Yo, Can I sell you my dirt bike?

R.Rogers, Durham, NC

A: I am not  touching that one, but there’s a 5% chance that I’ll buy it.

Q: When will people realize that I am the best quarterback in the league? Do I need to do a bunch of crappy commercials with a thick southern accent? Do I have to marry the hottest woman on earth, grow out my hair, and throw up a stinker against the Jets? Or do I have to hope a horrible catastrophy strikes my city so I could lead my team to the promised land?

A. Rodgers, Green Bay, WI

A: Frankly Mr. Rodgers, yes, I think you need one of those things to happen to you in order for you to get into this conversation. Obviously from a career standpoint, you aren’t at the same level as these guys. But right now, if I was picking one quarterback to win a game for my team, I find it hard to pick against Aaron Rodgers. He avoids pressure, has a strong and accurate arm, and makes pre-snap reads just as well as anyone. Even if he leads the Packers to a Super Bowl victory this season, he will not get as much credit as he deserves.

A good idea for Rodgers would be to get a list of the companies Peyton Manning is a sponsor for, and offer his services to their rival company. Next, he should go bald, marry the ugliest chick he can find, but treat her like a queen so the public can see what a nice guy he is, kind of like what Roger Federer is doing (At least I hope). Finally, while there’s not chance of a levee breaking in Green Bay anytime soon, perhaps a cheese famine would suffice as a catastrophe for that part of the country. Families would be forced to eat regular hamburgers as opposed to delicious cheeseburgers. Quesadillas would just be pita bread and chicken and Lunchables would go out of business. Barack Obama could come to town to offer his support, knowing that there isn’t much to do. Finally, this could lead to Rodgers going on an award show, and saying directly into the camera, ‘Barack Obama doesn’t care about white people.”


By Phil Bausk

We live in a world where every fan on the planet is trying to get a hold of an athlete or a celebrity. We want to know what they like to eat, where they go to hang out, and if they wear protection (In Antonio Cromartie’s case, we already know). We have this fascination and desire to become buddies with these athletes who want nothing to do with us and our every day problems. This doesn’t stop us from going to ballgames early, looking like fools as we scream athlete’s names, just so that they regard us as a human being.

How do you think Vlade Divac would respond if you asked him what you should do about paying your rent late? Do you think David Terrell ever cared about your mortgage payments? What are the odds Matt Morris can tell you if you are ready to have a child? These people do not care about our personal lives and therefore, we should not have the same interest in theirs, unless something crazy happens like Glen Davis being called “Big Baby” because he gives birth during the next Celtics game.

So I am not a doctor, unless you can get a PHD in covering food in oil, and I know that the relationship between fans and celebrities is a bit strange. But what if we turned the tables and athletes and celebs cared about us? What if they wanted to hear our advice on what they should do with their careers? Well I offer you a mailbag, written by athletes, celebrities, historical figures, and others, asking me for my opinion on their pressing life issues, trying to reconnect with those who make it all possible, us! (Remember, these aren’t real)

“To the city of Cleveland: I am not sorry, nor will I ever be sorry for what I did to you. If you are waiting for me to apologize, stop waiting. I say what I want, and then I get to take it back days later. Being me is greater than any NBA title, and in my own world, that makes me better than MJ. Get rid of Minnesota and New Jersey, and I look forward to watching people exile Cleveland, as it crumbles to the ground.”

L. James, Miami, FL

A: Well, that was about as harsh as they come. The Akron Scammer has shown why he left Cleveland for Miami, helping the scorching hot Heat embarrass the Lakers on Christmas day. Now I am still very upset with the Scammer, and believe he shouldn’t be forgiven for what he has done. But if Lebron James came out with a statement like this, how much flack could he take for it? The guy has already said race was an issue in his free agent backlash, and that contraction would be good for the NBA. Yet, he just takes it back and gets away with it. Not many athletes could do that these days, and at some point, they would be blackballed from the press, and eventually beaten down to the point where they didn’t care to talk to the media anymore. While Lebron was on that path, he has not hidden from the media, but rather embraces his post game interviews and all of the drama that has been steered towards him. I will give him credit for that, but at the same time, there is still so much time left to this Akron Scammer debacle that it’s too early to tell how his career is going to pan out. Either way, can you imagine opening up and seeing the headline, “Lebron James: Being me is greater than any NBA title…” I think that would keep you busy at work for a day.

Q: “I just woke up from a 2 month long nap… Who is this new guy Crawford on the Red Sox? And why are there 40 pink slips in my mailbox? Eh, I’m going back to sleep.”

B. Cashman, New York City, NY

A: Fine fine, he wasn’t fired or anything close to it, but Brian Cashman needs to explain his absence from the winter meetings this offseason. With the Red Sox upgrading their entire roster, the Phillies creating a delicious 4 way, and the Pirates cutting the salaries of their ball boys, the Yanks were one of the few major teams not to make any sort of significant move. Missing out on Cliff Lee was huge, as they were unable to follow through with any backup plans that they may have had. Andy Pettitte is believed to be retiring, while David Cone has been sleeping outside Joe Girardi’s office, still waiting to get called back into professional duty. The Yankees rotation is as thin as Antoine Walker’s checkbook and their payroll is still as big as Antoine Walker’s rear-end. Would signing Antoine Walker fix this problem? I don’t know, like I said, I am not a doctor. Now go back to bed, and when you get back in, try not to wake up Sandy Alderson either.

Q: “C’mon man, I helped you get through your childhood and that’s how you’re gonna repay me? By the way, can I borrow $20 and some Yodels?”

Antoine Walker, Idaho

A: Yes Antoine you did get me through some hard times as a kid. Your shimmy dance made me a legend on the basketball court. Here’s a 10 spot and go eat some fruit.

Q: Can you pleaseeee stop sending me photos of yourself? It’s not gonna happen and you need to start waxing.

N. Rivera (Santana from Glee) LA, CA

A: I will never stop sending you my weekly photos. You will come around eventually, but until then, the photos will be there every Monday.

Q: “Why do I look so much like that Werewolf from Twilight? And am I going to lead a team to the playoffs as a rookie with a LOSING record?

S. Bradford, St. Louis, MO

A: Yes, it appears as though the Rams are one win away from making the playoffs. Then again, you can say the same for the Seattle Seahawks, as the two teams play this Sunday for the NFC West division crown. The NFL has to do something to prevent this from happening in the future. Teams like the NY Giants, the Green Bay Packers, and the Tampa Bay Bucs are all going to finish with better records than whoever wins that division, but two of them are going to miss the playoffs. Whether its realignment of the divisions or a different proposal, this can not be allowed to happen again next year, when the 49ers take the division at 7-9. Oh, and as for the Twilight thing, go with it, I would imagine that Taylor Lautner kid does pretty well for himself.

Q: “I wish my wife didn’t drag me to that stupid play. Why did I listen to her?”

Abe Lincoln, Washington D.C.

A: Because you’re a man and a husband and you didn’t have a choice. It was fate Abe, fate.

Part II Coming Shortly!