Everybody Hurts…..Sometimes

By Eytan Kurland

It has been almost 2 months since we all saw Brett Favre’s penis for the first time (I’m assuming it was the first time for most people). For me, Brett Favre’s grainy and underwhelming penis pics, along with his bumbling, awkward voice-mails, represented an important aspect of being a sports fan- the moments where you get to see your heroes as human beings.

Watching athletes and adoring them to the point that so many fans do sets them apart from us in a special way that almost strips them of their humanity, and leads us to believe that they are superhuman. But our sports heroes are not perfect, and just like you and me they make mistakes and have flaws, and when they do make mistakes, it gives us a special way to connect with them and realize how much we have in common.

Whether it was the timidity in Favre’s voicemails, or the slight crook toward the end of his shaft, everyone was able to connect to Favre in a personal way. Therefore, I would like to highlight the most glaring athlete uh-oh’s of the past years that have allowed us to establish a greater bond with our heroes:

 

Najeh Davenport

In 2002, former running back for the Green Bay Packers Najeh Davenport was charged with drunkenly breaking into a young woman’s dorm room and pooping in her laundry basket. This actually occurred less than a month before he was drafted into the NFL and could easily be written off as pre-draft jitters. However, Davenport didn’t exactly handle the situation with so much class (Shockingly!), as after he was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, he stood in front of the courthouse screaming “Where’s the evidence? Where’s the manure?”

 

Ray Lewis

Murdered a human being. actually, 2 human beings. then went on to become the darling of the city of Baltimore, most likely because he stands for everything Baltimore is about (except for his success and wealth). I guess we can relate to Ray because it just shows...it doesn’t matter if your white, black, or some kind of yellow, money can always buy your way out of a double murder.

 

David Wesley/Dany Healtey

Both involved in separate drag racing incidents that killed a teammate. Wesley’s reckless driving caused teammate Bobby Phills’ car to slide out of control and get hit by oncoming traffic, while Dany Heatley’s drag racing killed passenger, teammate, and close friend Dan Snyder. Both tragedies were easy to get over since Phills’ departure gave Ricky Davis well deserved playing time and in the case of Heatley, nobody cares about hockey in the first place.

 

Mike Tyson

Convicted of raping Miss Black America on Sept. 11, 1991. I don’t know what’s stranger, the blatant segregation involved in holding a “Miss Black America” pageant or the cryptic date of Tyson’s crime.

Michael Vick

Ate a dog or something…but have you seen how awesome he is this year?!

 

Wade Boggs

Raped and murdered a Rhode Island family in 2003.

…Nah he didn’t do that, but he did eat chicken before every game he played!